On nonviolent communication
Notes on the main book and the modernized version, Say What You Mean. Resisting autopilot, needs, and why I'm listening to this one on hikes.
Why I’m reading it
I’ve been sitting with complicated feelings about a program I lead at work — growing pains that have felt personal in ways that are hard to separate from professional. This book landed at the right time.
First wrote about it in the Nebraska Notch trip report (March 2026):
I’ve been slowly working through Say What You Mean, a book on mindful communication rooted in nonviolent communication principles. Something about being out in the cold, moving at a steady pace, let some of that settle. The book’s central idea keeps landing for me: so much of life runs on autopilot, and autopilot is a reliable way to not get your needs met, because you’re not even consciously aware of what they are.
That autopilot line is the hook so far. Still chewing on it.
What the book is (stub)
Mindful communication built on nonviolent communication (NVC) — Marshall Rosenberg’s framework, reframed through Buddhist mindfulness practice. Sofer is a meditation teacher and communication trainer; the book is practical, not purely theoretical.
Sofer’s three-part model (to expand as I read):
- Lead with presence — pause, notice what’s happening internally before speaking
- Come from curiosity and care — listen to understand, not to fix or win
- Focus on what matters — say what you actually mean; connect speech to underlying needs
Classic NVC structure (OFNR) — for reference when summarizing chapters:
| Step | Question |
|---|---|
| Observation | What happened, without judgment? |
| Feeling | What am I feeling? |
| Need | What need is connected to that feeling? |
| Request | What concrete action would help? |
Takeaways so far (stub)
- Autopilot vs. needs — default reactions run the show; you can’t get needs met if you don’t know what they are
- Work context — professional growing pains blur into personal; the book offers language for that boundary
- Hike processing — physical rhythm + cold + solitude = good conditions for this kind of reading
Chapter notes (to fill in)
Part 1 — Lead with presence
Part 2 — Come from curiosity and care
Part 3 — Focus on what matters
Words & phrases earmarked (stub)
Open questions for the finished post
- How does Sofer’s mindfulness layer change vanilla NVC for someone who finds Rosenberg’s original framing clinical?
- Where does this intersect with remote work / async communication?
- What changed after trying OFNR in a real work conversation?
Related
- Nebraska Notch trip report — first mention
- Now — currently reading list